The one about the loving wife...

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask
that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted
to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house
and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever,
that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?
Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery
himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for
me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such
a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved.
When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

The one about the chastity belt...

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife
should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether
regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do
not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live
a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he
sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and
sees his best friend. "What's wrong," he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

The one about the car...

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the
Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees
him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''
The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said
''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts
two inches off the tail pipe.

The one about the cookies...

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking
downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from
the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the
counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's
wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

A couple from the far side...

The one about the mice...

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they're small enough.

The one about George Bush in hell...

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here,  I'm going to have to let someone
else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool  of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.

'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer,time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'

The one about the duck's honeymoon...

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about
to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms.
I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

Why the long face...

Bad Parenting...