Ho ho ho and it's not even Christmas!

The one about the bullets....

A pregnant woman is walking down a street when she gets caught up in a bank robbery getaway and is shot three times in the stomach.
Amazingly, she makes a full recovery and later gives birth to tiplets: two girls and a boy.
One day, about 14 years later, one of the girls runs to her mother in tears.
The woman says, 'What's the matter?'
The daughter sobs, 'I went to the toilet and a bullet came out.'
The mother says, 'Don't worry my dear, it's perfectly fine.'
A couple of weeks later, the second daughter runs in crying, and says, 'Mum, I went to the toilet and a bullet came out.'
The mother once again says, 'Don't worry my dear, it's perfectly fine.'
Another week later, the boy runs to his mother and, like his sisters, he's in tears.
His mother says, 'Let me guess: you went to the toilet and a bullet came out?'
The boy says, 'No, I was having a wank and I shot the cat!'

Another Vampire joke...

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for some boiling water.
The landlord says, 'I thought you only drank blood?'
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, 'I'm making tea.'

It's giggle time!

The one about Dracula and the nuns...

Two nuns are driving along a country lane at midnight when Dracula jumps on their bonnet.
The first nun says, 'Quick, show him your cross!'
So the second nun winds down the window and shouts, 'Get off my fucking car!'

Grim but funny anyway!

A couple of paedophile jokes....

Two paedophiles are on a beach. One says to the other, 'Can you get out of my son please?'

Two paedophiles are sitting on a park bench when an 11-year-old girl walks past. One says to the other, 'She used to be a right goer in her day.'

Laugh or burst, I don't mind!

The one about coming apart...

A young boy says, 'Mum, is it true people come apart like machines?'
She replies, 'Of course not, darling. What gave you that idea?'
The boy says, 'I overheard Daddy on the phone saying he was screwing the arse off his secretary.'

Laugh for a while!

The one about the penis operation...

John goes to the doctors and says, 'Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't get a hard on.'
So the doctor examines his cock and says, 'Your penis muscles are too weak. We're going to have to take the muscles from an elephant's penis and graft them on to your penis.'
John is desperate for sex, so he agrees.
After the op, John goes out on a dinner date with a new girl. But half way through the meal his cock starts to feel strange and uncomfortably big, so to release the strain he unzips his flies under the table.
Suddenly his cock springs out of his trousers, grabs a bun from the next table and shoots back into his trousers with it.
His date is stunned and says, 'Christ, you've got a huge cock. Can you do that again?'
John replies, 'Well, I could try, but I don't think I can fit another bun up my arse.'

Laugh in the heat, if you have it!

The one about the girl on the bus stop....

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."