The one about the plane crash...

A blonde woman, a black woman and a hispanic woman were traveling across the country by jet. Half way through the trip, the pilot comes on the intercom and announces, "I have some bad news. We are having major engine trouble and a crash is inevitable, so please prepare yourself."

The blonde immediately opens her purse and frantically touches up her makeup. The Hispanic woman says, "What are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going to a party!"

The blonde answers, "I know, but I heard that they always save the beautiful people first in a crash."

The Hispanic woman then goes through her purse and puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as a gift.

The black woman see this and asks, "Girl, are you crazy? What are you doing?"

The Hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash, they always look for the rich people first."

The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt and panties. The other two women ask her what she is doing.

"I don't know where you two get your information, but when I see a plane crash on the news, the most important thing is finding the black box!"

The one about Adam's new organs

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.

"I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

"The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

 

The one about the heart attack...

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."   

The one about the nudist club...

A guy applied to join a nudist club.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!"

So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing, "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.

He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry... You've had two warnings!"

The one about the naked handstand...

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem.

The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."  

The one about the nervous priest...

The young priest was so afraid at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor, "How can I relax?"

The monsignor, a veteran of his work, said, "My son, this Sunday it might help if you put a martini in the water pitcher instead of water. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly."

Sunday came and the young priest did as the monsignor suggested. He believed everything went very well.

After the sermon, the young priest asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Just fine, except you should remember the following before addressing the congregation again:

"Next time, sip the martini rather than gulping it down.

"There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

"There are 12 disciples, not 10.

"David 'slew' Goliath, he didn't 'kick the shit out of him.'

"We don't refer to the Cross as the 'Big T.'

"We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his Disciples as 'J.C. and the boys.'

"We don't refer to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit as the 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.'

"Next Sunday, there is a taffy-pulling contest at Saint Peters, not a 'peter-pulling contest at Saint Taffy's.'

"The idea of a drive-in confessional is excellent, but the sign, 'Toot-n-Tell or Go to Hell' has to go.

"Last, but not least, we say The Virgin Mary, not the 'Mary with the Cherry.'"