The one about the pregnant newlywed...

A young, pregnant newlywed was visiting her doctor for a maternity checkup. The doctor checked her out and knowing this was her first child asked her if she had any questions.

The young woman blushed and said, "...er...Doctor, my husband wanted to know...ah...how long I can continue to ah...er..."

"Now, now," said the doctor in reassuring tones. "I know what you are asking. You can continue to have sex with your husband until the third trimester."

"Oh no, Doctor. That's not what my husband wanted to know. He wanted to know how much longer I could mow the lawn."

The one about the squirrel...

The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower.

He asked, "Mummy, what's that between your legs?"

She told him that was her squirrel.

Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, "Grandma what's that between your legs?"

She replied, "That's my squirrel."

The little boy said, "Mummy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours."

Grandma replied, "Well, your mummy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!"

The one about GASH...

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"

"It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

The one about the migraines...

A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!"

The doctor says to his patient, "You know what?, I used to have the same problem, and whenever I get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favorite meal, rubs my toes, kisses my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"

The next day the patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for your advice. It worked!"

The doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!"

"Oh by the way," his patient says, "You've got a great house!"

The one about the anniversary...

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?"

He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your boobies dry and make love to you until you couldn't think straight."

She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?"

He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"

The one about the xmas party...

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."

"He's an asshole - piss on him!"

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

The one about birth control...

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.

The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am, too, but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

The one about the hunter...

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence he dropped the gun and it went off, hitting him right in the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, the doctor told him the surgery had gone as well as could be expected under the circumstances.

As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

The one about the lower mouth...

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, `your lower mouth'?"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..."

He says, "'as it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not always."

The one about the oriental redhead...

After the baby was born, a Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said in a panicked tone, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. I see no way she can possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

The one about the sermon...

A vicar became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This coming Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday."

"What?" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about."

"I don't think so," he said. "It's a problem we need to address."

The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asked her vicar husband somewhat warily about the day's sermon topic.

As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays."

"That's idiotic!" the wife retorted. "First of all, it's a dumb topic for a sermon, and second, the people who need to hear it most won't be in church. Why don't you preach about sex or something most people are interested in?"

"No. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly.

His wife said, "Well, I'm not going to sit through a boring sermon like that. I'm staying in the car. You can tell the congregation I'm sick or something." And she stayed in the car.

As the vicar walked from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking that perhaps his wife had a valid point, so he changed his mind and gave a brilliant, meaningful sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.

When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the vicar's car and remarked to the vicar's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning. "Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish."

"Hmmmpf. I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject," his wife snapped. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times."

The one about the tiny wiener...

A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospital's more attractive nurses.

While manipulating the man's body they noted that the word "tiny" was tattooed on the head of his dick.

Some months after the man's discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, told Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.

"How could you go out with a man that had 'tiny' tattooed on his love stick?" exclaimed Joan.

"How could I indeed!" said Mary. "It said 'tiny' when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled: 'Tiny's Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!'"

The one about the virgin nun...

A priest and a nun were lost in the desert, riding on a camel. All of a sudden, the camel dies, and their only transportation is gone.

The nun and the priest are now doomed to die, and they decide to just sit and talk and confess some things. During their conversations, they come across the subject of sex.

The nun then shyly speaks, "I am a virgin, and have never seen what is between a man's legs."

So the priest, being pretty confident about his size, whips it out, and tells her, "This is a tool...the tool that gives life."

The nun thinks for awhile, and says - "well then mister, how about you shove that thing up that dead camel's ass!"