The one about the avid golfer...

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a fanatic golfer.

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very early and is golfing all day long. Well this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.

It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says, "the weather out there is terrible."

To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?" 

The one about the restaurant's special...

A young Aggie stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The Aggie, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the Aggie returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

The one about the afternoon quickie...

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed.

"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

The one about the wife and best friend...

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. 'Pack your bag's and get out!' I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!'" 

The one about the Mexican genie...

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."

Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it.

He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it.

He tells her to drink, it is tequila.? Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.

The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.

He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!!"

The one about the Jewish samurai...

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a skilful feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* *Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"Ah-h-h, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision .....THAT takes skill!"

The one about the substitute for sex...

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64."

The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

Baseball sex...

The old rules (baseball sex terms)

1st base = Kissing

2nd base = Tongue kissing

3rd base = Hands down partner's pants

Home run = Sex

* * *

Here is the new standardized guide (and other terms/meanings)

On deck = Having plans for a date

Strike out = Stood up/didn't score/couldn't get it up

Walk = Kissing

Bunt = Masturbation

Single = tongue kissing

Double = Breast/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feeling

Triple = Most of clothes off, genital contact, and or mutual masturbation

Inside the park home run = Oral sex

Home run = Sex

Ground out double = Would have sex, no condom

Relief pitcher = Vibrator

Error = condom breaking during sex

Banned for life for gambling = Having sex with out a condom

Hall of fame = Marriage

Rain delay = Parents/Room mate come home early

Box seats = Water bed

Seventh inning stretch = Unusual positions

Rookie = Virgin

Minor leagues = Under 18

Grand slam = Sex 4 times in a 12 hour period.

The one about the mystery father...

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro.

The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?"

She said, "Well, yes, but only once."

"Once is all it takes" he replied.

Then the torso appeared and it was yellow.

"Ma'am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.

When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Native American and she said, "only once," and he replied that that was all it took.

Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry.

"Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"