The one about the pregnant newlywed...

A young, pregnant newlywed was visiting her doctor for a maternity checkup. The doctor checked her out and knowing this was her first child asked her if she had any questions.

The young woman blushed and said, "...er...Doctor, my husband wanted to know...ah...how long I can continue to ah...er..."

"Now, now," said the doctor in reassuring tones. "I know what you are asking. You can continue to have sex with your husband until the third trimester."

"Oh no, Doctor. That's not what my husband wanted to know. He wanted to know how much longer I could mow the lawn."

The one about the squirrel...

The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower.

He asked, "Mummy, what's that between your legs?"

She told him that was her squirrel.

Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, "Grandma what's that between your legs?"

She replied, "That's my squirrel."

The little boy said, "Mummy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours."

Grandma replied, "Well, your mummy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!"

The one about GASH...

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"

"It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

The one about the migraines...

A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!"

The doctor says to his patient, "You know what?, I used to have the same problem, and whenever I get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favorite meal, rubs my toes, kisses my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"

The next day the patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for your advice. It worked!"

The doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!"

"Oh by the way," his patient says, "You've got a great house!"

The one about the anniversary...

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?"

He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your boobies dry and make love to you until you couldn't think straight."

She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?"

He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"

The one about the xmas party...

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."

"He's an asshole - piss on him!"

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

The one about birth control...

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.

The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am, too, but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

The one about the hunter...

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence he dropped the gun and it went off, hitting him right in the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, the doctor told him the surgery had gone as well as could be expected under the circumstances.

As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

The one about the lower mouth...

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, `your lower mouth'?"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..."

He says, "'as it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not always."

The one about the oriental redhead...

After the baby was born, a Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said in a panicked tone, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. I see no way she can possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

The one about the sermon...

A vicar became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This coming Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday."

"What?" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about."

"I don't think so," he said. "It's a problem we need to address."

The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asked her vicar husband somewhat warily about the day's sermon topic.

As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays."

"That's idiotic!" the wife retorted. "First of all, it's a dumb topic for a sermon, and second, the people who need to hear it most won't be in church. Why don't you preach about sex or something most people are interested in?"

"No. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly.

His wife said, "Well, I'm not going to sit through a boring sermon like that. I'm staying in the car. You can tell the congregation I'm sick or something." And she stayed in the car.

As the vicar walked from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking that perhaps his wife had a valid point, so he changed his mind and gave a brilliant, meaningful sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.

When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the vicar's car and remarked to the vicar's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning. "Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish."

"Hmmmpf. I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject," his wife snapped. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times."

The one about the tiny wiener...

A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospital's more attractive nurses.

While manipulating the man's body they noted that the word "tiny" was tattooed on the head of his dick.

Some months after the man's discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, told Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.

"How could you go out with a man that had 'tiny' tattooed on his love stick?" exclaimed Joan.

"How could I indeed!" said Mary. "It said 'tiny' when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled: 'Tiny's Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!'"

The one about the virgin nun...

A priest and a nun were lost in the desert, riding on a camel. All of a sudden, the camel dies, and their only transportation is gone.

The nun and the priest are now doomed to die, and they decide to just sit and talk and confess some things. During their conversations, they come across the subject of sex.

The nun then shyly speaks, "I am a virgin, and have never seen what is between a man's legs."

So the priest, being pretty confident about his size, whips it out, and tells her, "This is a tool...the tool that gives life."

The nun thinks for awhile, and says - "well then mister, how about you shove that thing up that dead camel's ass!"

The last picture for November...

The one about international dating...

What to expect when dating the following women:

A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

* * *

IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

* * *

ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

* * *

JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

* * *

CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing  happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

* * *

INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

* * *

BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Seventh Date: She's pregnant.

* * *

LATIN WOMAN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car

Second Date: She is pregnant

Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

IT at Rose Hill Westonbirt...

The one about the castrating headache...

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated."

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

"All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point."

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular."

"That's right," exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?"

"Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."

"Right again," the man said.

The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36."

"There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years."

"No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34."

The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!"

Some more visual amusement for November...

Another picture for today...

The one about the pearly gates...

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."

Interesting pictures time...

The one about the breast feeding...

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it
somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or
bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He
pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a
detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is
under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

The one about the noisy drunk...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink.
Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!''
Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!''
Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says,
''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

The one about the strip club...

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip
club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya
doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No,
honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.''
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real
troublesome bitch this time, Dave!''

The one about the loving wife...

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask
that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted
to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house
and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever,
that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?
Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery
himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for
me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such
a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved.
When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

The one about the chastity belt...

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife
should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether
regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do
not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live
a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he
sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and
sees his best friend. "What's wrong," he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

The one about the car...

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the
Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees
him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''
The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said
''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts
two inches off the tail pipe.

The one about the cookies...

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking
downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from
the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the
counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's
wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

A couple from the far side...

The one about the mice...

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they're small enough.

The one about George Bush in hell...

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here,  I'm going to have to let someone
else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool  of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.

'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer,time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'

The one about the duck's honeymoon...

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about
to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms.
I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

Why the long face...

Bad Parenting...

The one about the drunk...

A police officer finds a bloke in an alley with his finger up another
man's arse.
'What are you doing?' asks the policeman.
'It's all right' says the bloke. 'He's been drinking and I'm trying to
make him sick.'
'You won't make him sick by shoving your finger up his arse,' says the
policeman.
The bloke says 'I will when I put it in his mouth.

The one about the lottery win...

A bloke comes running through the front door of his house screaming
'I've won the lottery! Pack your bags!'
His wife says 'Great! What shall I pack?'
He says 'I don't care, just get the fuck out of my house!'

An awkward situation...

Armageddon....

Click here to listen to this audio file...

The one about the dead goldfish...

A little girl is filling in a hole in her garden when the neighbour
spots what she's doing from over the fence.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm burying my goldfish, he's dead", the little girl says.
"I'm sorry to hear that", says the neighbour. "That's an awfully big
hole for a goldfish though", he says.
She replies "That's because he's in your fuckin cat!"

The one about the blonde on the plane...

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for
the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks
ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats
appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to
the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells
the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to
sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the
captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the
woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm
going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the
cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says
that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the
problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the
blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot,
and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight
attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-
pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going
to LA."

The one about the emergency landing...

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces
that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an
emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to
a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws
herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

The one about the old ladies...

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various
things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This
morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't
remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was
sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was
going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's
always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then
with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Time for another joke!

The one about the guy called Bubba...

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is."Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

A little picture joke for today!

Ho ho ho and it's not even Christmas!

The one about the bullets....

A pregnant woman is walking down a street when she gets caught up in a bank robbery getaway and is shot three times in the stomach.
Amazingly, she makes a full recovery and later gives birth to tiplets: two girls and a boy.
One day, about 14 years later, one of the girls runs to her mother in tears.
The woman says, 'What's the matter?'
The daughter sobs, 'I went to the toilet and a bullet came out.'
The mother says, 'Don't worry my dear, it's perfectly fine.'
A couple of weeks later, the second daughter runs in crying, and says, 'Mum, I went to the toilet and a bullet came out.'
The mother once again says, 'Don't worry my dear, it's perfectly fine.'
Another week later, the boy runs to his mother and, like his sisters, he's in tears.
His mother says, 'Let me guess: you went to the toilet and a bullet came out?'
The boy says, 'No, I was having a wank and I shot the cat!'

Another Vampire joke...

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for some boiling water.
The landlord says, 'I thought you only drank blood?'
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, 'I'm making tea.'

It's giggle time!

The one about Dracula and the nuns...

Two nuns are driving along a country lane at midnight when Dracula jumps on their bonnet.
The first nun says, 'Quick, show him your cross!'
So the second nun winds down the window and shouts, 'Get off my fucking car!'

Grim but funny anyway!

A couple of paedophile jokes....

Two paedophiles are on a beach. One says to the other, 'Can you get out of my son please?'

Two paedophiles are sitting on a park bench when an 11-year-old girl walks past. One says to the other, 'She used to be a right goer in her day.'

Laugh or burst, I don't mind!

The one about coming apart...

A young boy says, 'Mum, is it true people come apart like machines?'
She replies, 'Of course not, darling. What gave you that idea?'
The boy says, 'I overheard Daddy on the phone saying he was screwing the arse off his secretary.'

Laugh for a while!

The one about the penis operation...

John goes to the doctors and says, 'Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't get a hard on.'
So the doctor examines his cock and says, 'Your penis muscles are too weak. We're going to have to take the muscles from an elephant's penis and graft them on to your penis.'
John is desperate for sex, so he agrees.
After the op, John goes out on a dinner date with a new girl. But half way through the meal his cock starts to feel strange and uncomfortably big, so to release the strain he unzips his flies under the table.
Suddenly his cock springs out of his trousers, grabs a bun from the next table and shoots back into his trousers with it.
His date is stunned and says, 'Christ, you've got a huge cock. Can you do that again?'
John replies, 'Well, I could try, but I don't think I can fit another bun up my arse.'

Laugh in the heat, if you have it!

The one about the girl on the bus stop....

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Laugh even though you can't see the sun!

And now for some bad taste....

Austrian social services have said that Joseph Fritzl has been improving as a father of late. In fact, police have said that he has really been 'Coming into his own.'

Official advice on sex education for Austrian teenagers is to keep them in the dark!

Joseph Fritzl is writing a book - he's hoping it will be a best cellar!

The Austrians have taken their fondness for the 'Sound of Music' too far. They even have their own Von Trapped family!

Have some laughs in the warmer weather!

The one about the presents....

A rich man and a poor man are shopping for presents for their wives. The rich man gets his wife a diamond necklace and a BMW. The poor man says to him "Why did you get her both of those?" The rich man replies "Well, if she doesn't like the necklace, she can take it back in the BMW and she'll still be happy."
The poor man gets his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. The rich man says "Why did you get your wife those presents?"
The poor man says "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go and fuck herself !"

The one about the Essex girls...

What's the difference between a washing machine and an Essex girl?
A washing machine doesn't spit your load out when it's finished!

The one about leper hockey...

Why did the referees abandon the leper ice hockey match?
Because there was a face-off in the corner!

Laugh at this lovely clip...

The Farmer's Daughter

Laugh as loud as possible, just to scare someone!

The one about the prayers....

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mummy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mummy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mummy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Laugh for just a moment!

The one about the Swedish woman...

Helga was hanging the washing out to dry, and then went into town to pick up some dry cleaning.
''Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a pub and said, ''Vy nought?'' So she walked into the air conditioned room and took a seat at the bar.
"Bartender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''
The bartender asked, ''Anheuser Busch?''
''Vell, fine, tanks," she said, "Just unt leetle svetty.''

Laugh and make sounds like a gorilla!

The one about the assassin's job....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Laugh with your socks on!

The one about the poor Irish men...

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

Laugh for a change!

The one about the nuns....

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

Laugh and chuckle all day long!

The one about the desert island....

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

Laugh for your life!

The one about the strip club...

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

Have a laugh in January if you can!

The one about the Italians...

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Laugh just a little bit!

The one about the donkey....

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.
Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.
The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."
When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."