Ho ho ho and it's not even Christmas!

The one about the bullets....

A pregnant woman is walking down a street when she gets caught up in a bank robbery getaway and is shot three times in the stomach.
Amazingly, she makes a full recovery and later gives birth to tiplets: two girls and a boy.
One day, about 14 years later, one of the girls runs to her mother in tears.
The woman says, 'What's the matter?'
The daughter sobs, 'I went to the toilet and a bullet came out.'
The mother says, 'Don't worry my dear, it's perfectly fine.'
A couple of weeks later, the second daughter runs in crying, and says, 'Mum, I went to the toilet and a bullet came out.'
The mother once again says, 'Don't worry my dear, it's perfectly fine.'
Another week later, the boy runs to his mother and, like his sisters, he's in tears.
His mother says, 'Let me guess: you went to the toilet and a bullet came out?'
The boy says, 'No, I was having a wank and I shot the cat!'

Another Vampire joke...

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for some boiling water.
The landlord says, 'I thought you only drank blood?'
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, 'I'm making tea.'