Sunday, 30 November 2008
Thursday, 27 November 2008
The one about international dating...
What to expect when dating the following women:
A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
* * *
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
* * *
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
* * *
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
* * *
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
* * *
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
* * *
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Seventh Date: She's pregnant.
* * *
LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
* * *
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
* * *
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
* * *
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
* * *
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
* * *
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
* * *
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Seventh Date: She's pregnant.
* * *
LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
The one about the castrating headache...
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated."
The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.
"All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said.
When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point."
So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular."
"That's right," exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?"
"Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."
"Right again," the man said.
The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36."
"There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years."
"No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34."
The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!"
The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.
"All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said.
When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point."
So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular."
"That's right," exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?"
"Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."
"Right again," the man said.
The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36."
"There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years."
"No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34."
The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!"
Thursday, 20 November 2008
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
The one about the pearly gates...
These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, he turned and walked away.
The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.
The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."
The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.
The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."
Sunday, 9 November 2008
The one about the breast feeding...
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it
somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or
bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He
pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a
detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is
under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it
somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or
bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He
pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a
detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is
under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
The one about the noisy drunk...
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink.
Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!''
Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!''
Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says,
''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''
Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!''
Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!''
Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says,
''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''
The one about the strip club...
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip
club.
or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip
club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya
doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No,
honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.''
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real
troublesome bitch this time, Dave!''
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