The one about the weight loss programme...

This guy was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss programme. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 lb. weight loss programme.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself, I like the way this company does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he's lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 lb. weight loss programme.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck, which reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. It takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She's the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.

On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. He decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss programme.

"Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous programme."

"Absolutely!", he says. "I love your programme. I haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at this door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands a huge, athletic gay bloke wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads "If I catch you, I can have you."

The one about the vocational funeral...

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

The one about the sex therapy...

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.

That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

The one about the elevator meeting...

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

The one about the dogs in the park...

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler.

The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's ass, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"

The one about the snow...

Since it started snowing all my missus has done is look through the fucking window.
If it gets any worse i'm going to have to let her in!

The top 8 things girls should say to men...

1. I'm bored, let's shave my snatch.

2. Are you sure you've had plenty to drink?

3. By...that fart was awesome, drop another!

4. Of course I swallow, it's lush!

5. No that's ok you watch porn, I'll toss you off after i've done these dishes.

6 Just for a change stick it up me arse.

7. Are you still shagging that girl at work?

8. Marriage? No fucking way!

Sadly, Carlsberg don't do girlfriends, but if they did!!!

The one about the police job...

A man applies for a job with the Police. The inspector says,'these are the best qualifications i've ever seen, just one test before you get the job. Take this gun, go shoot 6 Pakistanis, 6 Muslims and a rabbit!'
Bloke asks,"why the rabbit?"
Inspector replies, 'Fantastic attitude! See you on monday!'