The one about the love dress....
A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, "What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm wearing my love dress," responds the daughter-in-law, "We haven't made love in a long time."
So the mother-in-law says, "Hm, maybe I should try that."
She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car.
He walks in the front door and says, "What the fuck are you doing?"
"I'm wearing my love dress," says the wife.
"Well," responds the husband, "it needs to be ironed."
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Monday, 3 December 2007
Laugh, ha ha, you know you want to!
A nice short one....
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus!
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus!
Laugh, laugh and laugh some more!
The one about the todger...
A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?"
The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh."
The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not to laugh at his small penis.
The doctor managed to ask, "What's the problem?"
The patient then said, "It's swollen."
A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?"
The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh."
The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not to laugh at his small penis.
The doctor managed to ask, "What's the problem?"
The patient then said, "It's swollen."
Saturday, 17 November 2007
Laugh 'til you bite your tongue!
The one about the names....
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
Sunday, 11 November 2007
Laugh 'til you soil yourself!
The one about the puppy....
A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy."
A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy."
Monday, 5 November 2007
Laugh 'til your toenails snap!
The one about cricket....
Two old guys, Jack and Bill, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about cricket, like they do every day. Jack turns to Bill and says, "Do you think there's cricket in heaven?"
Bill thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Jack passes on. One day soon afterwards, Bill is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Bill... Bill..."
Bill responds, "Jack! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Bill," whispers Jack's ghost.
Bill, still amazed, asks, "So, is there cricket in heaven?"
"Well," says Jack, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Give me the good news first," says Bill.
Jack says, "Well... there is cricket in heaven."
Bill says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Jack sighs and whispers, "You're opening the bowling on Friday."
Two old guys, Jack and Bill, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about cricket, like they do every day. Jack turns to Bill and says, "Do you think there's cricket in heaven?"
Bill thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Jack passes on. One day soon afterwards, Bill is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Bill... Bill..."
Bill responds, "Jack! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Bill," whispers Jack's ghost.
Bill, still amazed, asks, "So, is there cricket in heaven?"
"Well," says Jack, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Give me the good news first," says Bill.
Jack says, "Well... there is cricket in heaven."
Bill says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Jack sighs and whispers, "You're opening the bowling on Friday."
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
Laugh 'til your feet swell!
The one about the 50s....
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
Monday, 22 October 2007
Laugh 'til your eyes bleed!
The one about the nursing home...
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Monday, 15 October 2007
Laugh 'til you grow old!
The one about the men in heaven...
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."
Friday, 21 September 2007
Laugh 'til your teeth grind!
The one about the proposal...
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding ring with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding ring with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
Sunday, 16 September 2007
Laugh 'til your brain bursts!
The one about the wrist action...
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
Friday, 14 September 2007
Laugh 'til your nose hairs curl!
The one about the nose...
A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry mate, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"
A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry mate, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"
Monday, 3 September 2007
Laugh 'til you give up being miserable!
The one about the illness....
An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, "You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad."
The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, "What is it, Doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight."
"Well," says the doctor, "you have cancer and you have Alzheimers."
The man replies, "Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer."
An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, "You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad."
The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, "What is it, Doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight."
"Well," says the doctor, "you have cancer and you have Alzheimers."
The man replies, "Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Thursday, 30 August 2007
Laugh 'til you cough up blood!
The one about the explorer....
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''ROARRRR!''
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''ROARRRR!''
Monday, 20 August 2007
Laugh 'til the Winter comes!
The one about the vodkas.....
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Saturday, 11 August 2007
Laugh 'til it snows again!
The one about the gorilla....
A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.
"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."
"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"
"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog!"
A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.
"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."
"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"
"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog!"
Sunday, 5 August 2007
Laugh 'til the polar ice caps melt!
The one about the seeing eye dog...
Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.
He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."
The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"
The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."
"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."
The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.
"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.
The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah... um... a Chihuahua?"
The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"
Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.
He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."
The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"
The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."
"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."
The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.
"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.
The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah... um... a Chihuahua?"
The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"
Thursday, 2 August 2007
Laugh 'til it stops raining!
The one about the pest control...
A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in some passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick, my husband just got home. Go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you."
"Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the hell are you?" the man asks.
"I am from the pest extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little bastards!"
A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in some passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick, my husband just got home. Go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you."
"Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the hell are you?" the man asks.
"I am from the pest extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little bastards!"
Wednesday, 1 August 2007
Laugh 'til you dribble!
The one about the nutters....
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"
The one about the guard dog....
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbours' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."
And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"
The one about the guard dog....
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbours' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."
And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"
Friday, 27 July 2007
Laugh 'til your nipples become erect!
The one about the suicide....
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Laugh 'til your eyes weep!
The one about the advert...
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Laugh 'til you pop!
The one about the lunch...
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
Laugh 'til your mouth goes dry!
The one about the truth...
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”
Monday, 16 July 2007
Laugh 'til you scream!
The one about the flowers....
One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, "There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
Her friend promptly replied, "Don't you have a vase?"
One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, "There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
Her friend promptly replied, "Don't you have a vase?"
Sunday, 15 July 2007
Laugh 'til your eyes bleed!
The one about the mixed race baby....
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must explain to you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must explain to you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."
Wednesday, 11 July 2007
Laugh 'til you cough up blood!
The one about the escaped convict...
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"
Tuesday, 10 July 2007
Laugh 'til you explode!
The one about the stutter...
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."
"Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.
Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I don't thththink that would bbbbee pppppossible!"
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."
"Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.
Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I don't thththink that would bbbbee pppppossible!"
Monday, 9 July 2007
Laugh 'til your teeth chatter!
The one about the trousers...
A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.
"See if they fit."
"They don't."
"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house."
She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.
"I can't get into these."
"And you won't, either, with that attitude."
A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.
"See if they fit."
"They don't."
"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house."
She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.
"I can't get into these."
"And you won't, either, with that attitude."
Laugh 'til you wee a bit!
The one about the old man...
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
Laugh 'til you stop breathing!
The one about the atheist...
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Laugh 'til your eyes glaze over!
The one about the aliens...
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting.
There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting.
There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"
Monday, 2 July 2007
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Laugh til your shirt splits!
The one about the dog food....
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Laugh 'til your tongue goes numb!
The one about the rabbits...
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."
Sunday, 17 June 2007
Laugh 'til your nipples go hard!
The one about the lost boy....
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."
Wednesday, 6 June 2007
Laugh 'til you snot!
The one about the airplane flight...
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Laugh 'til your spine snaps!
A bit of a mad day....
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Sunday, 3 June 2007
Laugh 'til your toes curl!
The first one for June....
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of shit. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"
And another one....
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the hell do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get £200 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the hell are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on £400 a year!'
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of shit. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"
And another one....
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the hell do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get £200 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the hell are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on £400 a year!'
Tuesday, 29 May 2007
Laugh 'til your head spins!
The one about the lawn mower....
A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, "Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?"
The man asks, "Why would I be?"
The manager replies, "Because when the lawn seed grows, you'll need something to cut the grass with."
Surprisingly, the man buys a lawn mower. Then another man walks in and asks for a box of Tampax. The manager nudges the newly hired boy. The boy walks up to the man and says, "Right away, Sir. But, of course, you will be wanting a lawn mower with that, right?"
The shocked man asks, "Why?!"
The young man then replies, "Well, your weekend's screwed, so you might as well mow the lawn."
A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, "Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?"
The man asks, "Why would I be?"
The manager replies, "Because when the lawn seed grows, you'll need something to cut the grass with."
Surprisingly, the man buys a lawn mower. Then another man walks in and asks for a box of Tampax. The manager nudges the newly hired boy. The boy walks up to the man and says, "Right away, Sir. But, of course, you will be wanting a lawn mower with that, right?"
The shocked man asks, "Why?!"
The young man then replies, "Well, your weekend's screwed, so you might as well mow the lawn."
Monday, 28 May 2007
Laugh 'til your eyes bulge!
Another May joke...
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Thursday, 24 May 2007
Laugh 'til your feet throb!
The one about the tortoise....
A tortoise was mugged by a gang of snails whilst walking down the street.
When the policeman asked him what happened, the tortoise looked at the policeman and said "I don't know. It all happened so quickly!"
A tortoise was mugged by a gang of snails whilst walking down the street.
When the policeman asked him what happened, the tortoise looked at the policeman and said "I don't know. It all happened so quickly!"
Friday, 18 May 2007
Laugh 'til you swollow your tongue...
And for today's joke...
Q... What is the hardest thing about rollerblading?
A... Telling your parents you're gay!
Q... What is the hardest thing about rollerblading?
A... Telling your parents you're gay!
Thursday, 17 May 2007
Laugh 'til your pants fall down!
We'll have nun of that....
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, then it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in." The blind man walks into the bathroom, and the mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, then it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in." The blind man walks into the bathroom, and the mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?
Monday, 14 May 2007
Laugh 'til your legs fall off....
Three in a row....
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
And for today's joke
A blonde joke for today....
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
Thursday, 10 May 2007
I hope you're enjoying this!
I found another for today...
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
An influx of jokes this May!
Yet another May joke.....
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
Wednesday, 9 May 2007
And just for good measure...
Here's another :)
Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?
Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner.
Another May joke!
Here's another joke for May....
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Friday, 4 May 2007
Two jokes for May
Here are a couple of jokes for the first week of May....
Two lovers go to the mountains for a romantic break. After chopping wood the bloke says to his girl 'My hands are freezing.' The girl says 'Put them between my thighs to warm them up!'
After lunch he goes out to chop some more wood. He comes in after a while and says 'My hands are really freezing now.' She once again says 'Put them between my thighs to warm them up!'
After dinner the guy chops more wood and afterwards says 'My hands are really, really freezing.'
She yells at him 'For Christ's sake, don't your ears ever get cold?!!'
Two Irish men are making letter bombs.
Pat says 'Mick, do you think i've put enough explosive in this envelope?'
'I don't know, open it and see', says Mick
'But it'll explode!', says Pat.
Mick says 'Don't be a fecking eejut, it's not addressed to you!'
Two lovers go to the mountains for a romantic break. After chopping wood the bloke says to his girl 'My hands are freezing.' The girl says 'Put them between my thighs to warm them up!'
After lunch he goes out to chop some more wood. He comes in after a while and says 'My hands are really freezing now.' She once again says 'Put them between my thighs to warm them up!'
After dinner the guy chops more wood and afterwards says 'My hands are really, really freezing.'
She yells at him 'For Christ's sake, don't your ears ever get cold?!!'
Two Irish men are making letter bombs.
Pat says 'Mick, do you think i've put enough explosive in this envelope?'
'I don't know, open it and see', says Mick
'But it'll explode!', says Pat.
Mick says 'Don't be a fecking eejut, it's not addressed to you!'
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
Another joke at last!
It's been a while but here's a joke....
Jim and Johnny die in a boating accident. Jim goes to heaven and Johnny goes to hell. One day Jim looks down at Johnny in hell. Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.
Jim gets pissed off, so he goes to God and says, "What is this? I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down there."
God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."
Jim and Johnny die in a boating accident. Jim goes to heaven and Johnny goes to hell. One day Jim looks down at Johnny in hell. Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.
Jim gets pissed off, so he goes to God and says, "What is this? I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down there."
God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."
Monday, 2 April 2007
I missed April fools day but never mind!
A new joke for April....
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.
"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough."
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!"
Thursday, 15 March 2007
How did this happen?
Another joke for today....
A man came home with some hot gossip. "Do you know what they're saying?" he told his wife. "They're saying our caretaker has slept with every woman in this block of flats except for one!"His wife said: "That must be that bitch from number 36 - nobody likes her."
And yet another.....
A man with no arms entered the World Masturbation Championships. However he didn't come anywhere!
A man came home with some hot gossip. "Do you know what they're saying?" he told his wife. "They're saying our caretaker has slept with every woman in this block of flats except for one!"His wife said: "That must be that bitch from number 36 - nobody likes her."
And yet another.....
A man with no arms entered the World Masturbation Championships. However he didn't come anywhere!
Beware the ides of March....
Here's a joke for the middle of the month....
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
Thursday, 1 March 2007
A couple of new ones!
Two new jokes, the first for a while....
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?" "Two years," says the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is £80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?" "Two years," says the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is £80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Tuesday, 6 February 2007
Two new jokes for Feb!
Well into February, I know, but here are two new ones at last....
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
Friday, 19 January 2007
Two new Jokes!
Haven't posted any jokes for a while so here are two more....
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!" Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!" Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"
Thursday, 4 January 2007
First Joke of 2007
And so for the first joke of 2007.....
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them." "How does that make them bigger?", she asks. "I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them." "How does that make them bigger?", she asks. "I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)