The one about the flowers...

A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.

The brunette sees her husband, and he is carrying flowers.

The brunette says to the blonde "Now I'm going to have to spread my legs!"

The blonde then asked, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

The one about the speech to the deaf...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained, "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself, "I'll go one better than that English bastard" and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself, "I'll go one further than those mainland bastards" and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."

The one about the bar bets...

This guy was having a drink in a bar. It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady.

She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar.

She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john.

"Very funny," she said when he returned.

He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one."

Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my
own ear."

She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false
teeth and clamps them down on his ear.

He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."

Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. They went to town.

A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."

He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"

The one about the wood smeller...

A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, "That's maple."

They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly. He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.

The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while.

"Boy," he said "this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side."

So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.

He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guy can't fool me!  That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!"

The one about the boobs in church...

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

The one about the ice cubes...

Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks.

One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

Pete replied, "Yep. I was married to one for fifteen years."

The one about the blondes' university...

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."

The one about the teenage girl...

A teenage girl was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life.

"Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..."

"It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mum," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."

The one about the virgin bride...

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the *@#% was that?"

The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

The one about the period...

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

The one about the body parts meeting...

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said: YOU?!! You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely! You can't be in charge!"

So the rectum closed up... After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

What's the moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge...just an asshole!

The one about sticking it in...

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realising he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the front desk and asked if there was a barber available.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he had ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures 25 cents."

"Why not?" thought the salesman.

He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his dick into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member...which now had a button sewn on the tip!