The one about the Doctor's examination...

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

The one about the good dates...

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

"Now THAT'S a good date!" 

The one about the naughty doctor...

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him:

"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Howard, you're a veterinarian...." 

The one about the exam...

A student comes to a young professor's office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... **anything**!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything???"

"Yes,... Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study???" 

The one about the tattoo...

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"

"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow...

"Number two, once in awhile, I like to play with my money...

"And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

The one about the doctors appointment...

I was showing my Dr a nasty rash on my cock today, he seemed pretty uncomfortable & didn't want to touch it, he just said make an appointment at the surgery monday morning and walked off with his kids pushing the shopping trolley..

The one about the nun in the desert...

Priest and Nun on a camel in the Sahara desert the camel drops dead leaving them Doomed!. Realising their fate, and having never seen a Naked Woman, the Priest asks the Nun to show her Tits and she agrees, providing he shows his Cock. They fondle each other and the Priest gets an Erection.
Priest says, 'You know if I put this in the right place I can create life!'.
'Good!', said the Nun 'Stick it up the Camels arse and lets get the fuck out of here!'....

The one about making babies...

Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry.

"What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?"

"You're hurting my mummy," the little boy replied.

"No, no," the father reassured, "I'm not hurting her. We are making babies."

This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple went back to their business.

The next day the father came home from work and found his son on the steps, crying.

"What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad.

His son replied, "It's those babies you were making with mummy yesterday. The postman is upstairs eating them!"  

The one about kissing it.....

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling.

He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it and make it better."

Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!" 

The one about the rubber gloves...

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

"No," she said.

"Well," spoofed the dentist, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

The old woman just sat there and didn't laugh a bit!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, the dentist had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!" 

The one about the blonde and the Indian...

An attractive Blonde, Kitty Mc Neill was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. Kitty climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let Kitty off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"

The one about the little boy in the pharmacy...

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What's are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

The one about women's ultimate fantasy....

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

The one about the Queen's chastity belt...

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

The one about the writing paper...

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.

He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.

He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"

"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

The one about the stranded cruise ship passengers...

A cruise ship going through some rough waters ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only three survivors - two men and a woman.

The three lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So...

They buried her.

The one about the botched vasectomy....

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.

Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.

"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems."

"What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously.

"Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water."

"Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully.

"That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blowjob, she gets heartburn."

"Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened.

"It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand....I get a hard-on!"

The one about the pope on the plane...

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks. "What a good place to be today."

He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong. He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty next to him.

Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.

The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.

The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything your eminence. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"  

The one about the last day of his life...

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning AND YOU DON'T!"

The one about the jerkin' trucker...

The doc told a truck driver that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."   

The one about the permanent boner...

A man went into a local pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman behind the counter informed him that she was the pharmacist.

She told the man that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no male pharmacists employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with, as she had been a licensed pharmacist for many years.

The man shrugged his shoulders and agreed to share his problem. "Okay," said the man, "but this is a bit embarrassing for me. I have a permanent erection, which causes me lots of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and £2,000 a month in living expenses."

The one about the honest man...

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:

"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

The one about the horny hubby...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

The one about two Irishmen in a boat...

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."  

The one about the last request...

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Aye, That he did, Father..."

"And what did he say?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."

The one about the honeymoon horrors...

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child, " he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off is pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me, " she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"

The one about the war wounds...

A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams.

"What the hell is that?" he asked.

"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes."

Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams.

"What the hell is that?"

"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."

The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams!

"War wound?" they both asked.

"Naah, my zipper's stuck."