The one about the good times...

A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"

The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said -
"Well, one time I was lost..."

The one about wanting to be weighed...

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy!" said the girl.

The one about the fish...

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"

The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."

The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."

The sister said, "Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."

Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."

So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught."

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!"

Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."

Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish."

In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish."

And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish."

And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "SHIT! I LIKE THIS FRIGGIN' PLACE ALREADY!"

The one about the best comeback ever...

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers...

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

The one about differences...

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?

A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"

The nympho says, "Are you done already?"

The blonde says, "Beige. . . I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

The one about the boys' things...

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah!"

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"

So she pulls up her dress and says...

"My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

The one about the old lady...

A little old lady goes into a tavern and sits at the bar. The bartender notices that she is VERY drunk but goes over to find out what she needs.

The old lady says, (in a drunken slur) "Tarbender, tarbender, bring me a martuni with a pickle in it."

So he makes a martini, puts an olive in it and hands it to her.

She gulps it down in one swig and says, "Oh heartburn, heartburn, tarbender, tarbender, bring me another martuni with a pickle in it."

So the bartender makes another martini, puts an olive in it and takes it to the old lady.

Again she gulps it down in one swig and slams the glass down on the bar saying, "Heartburn, heartburn, tarbender, tarbender, bring me another martuni with a pickle in it."

Well now the bartender is thinking that this is about enough of her so he says, "Lady, first of all I am not a tarbender, I am a BARTENDER! Second, you are not drinking a martuni with a pickle in it, it is a MARTINI with a OLIVE in it! And third, you don't have heartburn, your tit is in the ashtray!

The one about the Podiatrist....

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist.

She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes."

The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

She replied, "Actually no, just between my 2 big toes!"

The one about the camel...

The new French Foreign Legion captain was assigned to a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the captain stands on it, pulls down his pants and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."

The one about the old Scotsman...

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks; "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!"

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the Pier-Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: "But ya screw one goat..."

The one about the bedside photo...

After a night of making love the guy rolls over and says, "That's the best sex I've ever had!"

Then he notices a picture of a man on the night stand, so he began to worry.

"Is that your husband?"

"No silly," she replied as she snuggled to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, not at all," she said as she nibbled at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" the bewildered man demanded.

Calmly the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery..."