The one about the little boy's story...

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

The one about Mr Schwartz...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The one about the shooting problem...

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

The one about the milking incident...

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

The one about the teenage girl's discovery...

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"