The one about the flasher...

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight in Atlanta.

As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes.

As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his trench coat and exposed himself in all his naked glory.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied politely, "but you have to show us your ticket, not your stub."

The one about the horny honeymoons...

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a 'code' to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: 'Maxwell House Coffee'. The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So the mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that read: 'Rothman's Mattresses'. So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says, 'Full size, king size'. And the mother is happy.

Then it comes to the third one's wedding. Mother is anxious. After four weeks came the message: 'British Airways'. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads:

'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

The one about honey-bunny love...

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to their twin beds.

However, the man was not yet ready to slumber, and called over to his wife.

"My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way, she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband, with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-bunny fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman just smiles, gets up and enters hubby's bed. The two have passionate sex, and afterwards the woman rolls out.

As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch." 

The one about the coming out...

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!" 

The one about the wet, naked woman...

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

The one about the devine message...

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother entering.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707.... 

The one about the old ladies at the museum...

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated.

When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!" 

The one about the playboy channel...

A little old couple in their eighties were sitting on the couch watching the Playboy Channel.

He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

The one about the handsaw...

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

The one about the outhouse...

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.

Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."

Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"

Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"