A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds:
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was...............God I miss him!"
One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink and they were trying to convince a married friend that he should come, too.
"I can't," the man said, "my wife would kill me."
After 15 minutes of persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and goes.
Later, looking at his watch, he realizes that it is midnight and he still has not gone home. He immediately rushes home trying to figure a way out of the trouble he's in.
Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wife's legs sticking out of the covers.
"I know!" he thinks to himself and he crawls in between his wife's legs under the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is satisfied.
"That should do it," he thinks and he walks into the bathroom to wash his face. He turns on the light and THERE IS HIS WIFE,... sitting on the toilet!
"What are you doing in here?" he impatiently screams.
"SSShhhhhh!" she says, "You'll wake your mother!"
A woman in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.
The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon for a consultation.
"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
Then she replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!"
