One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being screwed by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by screwing a German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
Saturday, 27 February 2010
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
The one about the peanut...
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, ... our son in-law!"
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, ... our son in-law!"
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
The one about the compulsion...
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his p'nis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my p'nis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my p'nis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Monday, 15 February 2010
The one about the escaped convict...
An imprisoned convict escaped after serving 25 years of a life sentence for 1st degree murder. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up, looked at the husband and said, "Don't try anything funny. I'm coming right back." and left the room.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound upon the bed in a skimpy nightgown.
He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up, looked at the husband and said, "Don't try anything funny. I'm coming right back." and left the room.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound upon the bed in a skimpy nightgown.
He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
Thursday, 11 February 2010
The one about the nympho...
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from the bartender. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass.
Six glasses later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks.
"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender.
The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."
"Where's your car?" the bartender asks.
"At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the bartender, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place."
"Be my guest, the broad's a nympo. She'll do anybody."
So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.
"What's going on here?" he asks.
"It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife."
"Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize..."
"Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
Six glasses later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks.
"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender.
The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."
"Where's your car?" the bartender asks.
"At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the bartender, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place."
"Be my guest, the broad's a nympo. She'll do anybody."
So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.
"What's going on here?" he asks.
"It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife."
"Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize..."
"Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
Saturday, 6 February 2010
The one about the agricultural show...
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
Thursday, 4 February 2010
The one about the diagnostic computer...
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
The one about the swearing...
A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The four year old nodded his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?"
The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.
The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast.
"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
The one about the voodoo penis...
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildoes, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo P'nis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo P'nis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo P'nis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo P'nis, return to box!"
The Voodoo P'nis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo P'nis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo P'nis.
She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo P'nis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo P'nis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo P'nis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo P'nis, my ass!"
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildoes, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo P'nis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo P'nis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo P'nis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo P'nis, return to box!"
The Voodoo P'nis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo P'nis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo P'nis.
She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo P'nis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo P'nis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo P'nis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo P'nis, my ass!"
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