The one about the drunk...

A police officer finds a bloke in an alley with his finger up another
man's arse.
'What are you doing?' asks the policeman.
'It's all right' says the bloke. 'He's been drinking and I'm trying to
make him sick.'
'You won't make him sick by shoving your finger up his arse,' says the
policeman.
The bloke says 'I will when I put it in his mouth.

The one about the lottery win...

A bloke comes running through the front door of his house screaming
'I've won the lottery! Pack your bags!'
His wife says 'Great! What shall I pack?'
He says 'I don't care, just get the fuck out of my house!'

An awkward situation...

Armageddon....

Click here to listen to this audio file...

The one about the dead goldfish...

A little girl is filling in a hole in her garden when the neighbour
spots what she's doing from over the fence.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm burying my goldfish, he's dead", the little girl says.
"I'm sorry to hear that", says the neighbour. "That's an awfully big
hole for a goldfish though", he says.
She replies "That's because he's in your fuckin cat!"

The one about the blonde on the plane...

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for
the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks
ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats
appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to
the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells
the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to
sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the
captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the
woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm
going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the
cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says
that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the
problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the
blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot,
and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight
attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-
pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going
to LA."